Today I asked my family to give me four words each, hoping this might kick start my brain into creating a new story. Here's what they came up with:
Baby beast: beating stick, rope, dog chasing cat and 20.
Bog beast: pineapple, Afro, colourful and banana.
Bolchy beast: waves, duck, stick and roses.
Hubby: strippers, drugs, ladyboys and death.
Now I am looking at this list thinking what in gods name possessed me? What am I going to make out of that lot, but never one to shrink away fom challenge I decide to give it ago. Therefore this short story should not be taken too seriously. So I apologise in advance if this is a load of old twaddle but here goes.
Fun and Games
I am woken abruptly by a tremendous rucous.
"What on earth is that? " I shout at my hubby.
Who's lying unconcious beside me like he is in a drug induced coma. I shake him so violently I fear I might induce brain damage. Although I not sure anyone would notice the difference to be honest (evil giggles). Anyway there is still no signs of life so I lean into his ear and shout,
"Wake up, your like one of the living dead."
He groans and rolls over, snorting as he goes. Looks like I'm getting up to investigate the noise then, but I'm not going unarmed. I grab the stick thats been gathering dust beside our bed. It's purpose? Now thats a good question. It's only purpose is when my hubby threatens to use it as a beating stick. Which, I hasten to add he never has never done, before anyone rushes to inform social services.
I reach the landing to find baby beast in hot pursuit of bog beast. They remind me of that old cartoon Tom and Jerry. Do you remember the one, where the cat chases the mouse and the dog chases the cat? Anyway, oblivious to my presence, I have to duck as wildly aimed banana whistles over my head. Resulting in a yellow/brown mound of mush slowly sliding down the wall. That stain will be a permanent reminder that raising kids is no bed of roses. As I continue to shout and roar at kids to stop, they carry on as normal like I'm not even there. By this point bog beast has captured baby beast and proceeds to tie him to the bannisters with her colourful rainbow rope. Now proud of her achievements she finally notices the purple faced monster thats growling in the corner, formerly known as Mum. Who is trying to count to 20 as 10 is never enough to calm her rage. Boulchy beast NEVER leaves her room before 12pm so I know were all in for a 5-10min rant about disturbing her beauty sleep. To be brutally honest, I don't think another day in bed would sort out that afro she has happening on her head (wish I had camera).
Next to join the meley is hubby/dad. He has mistakingly put on my silk dressing gown as he is still half asleep. Although he fills it quite well he reminds me of a cross between a stripper/ladyboy (not a pretty one at that). Everyone stops to what their doing to stare at this outrageous spectacle formerly known as hubby/dad. Silence fills the the room, quickly followed by howls of laughter. Hubby/dad takes one quick look at himself, waves his hand in disgust and huffs off back to bed. At least the laughter has broken the hostility and normal service is resumed. Bolchy beast returns to her pit, bog beast heads for the tv room and I untie baby beast who scampers off to his Lego mountain. I decide to brave entering the play room where baby beast and bog beast are residing.
"Now you two, what was that all about?" I ask.
"She called me a pineapple,"spits baby beast. "Pineapple, what's wrong with a pineapple?" I ask. "I heard you tell daddy you hate pineapples," he whimpers. "Come here silly, that doesn't mean I hate you." "Anyway, your not spiky ,hard and yellow inside." "Your soft, cuddly and full of, full of............."
"POO." shouts bog beast.
Cue ear piecing scream from baby beast. Great I think, ..ding, ding...round two. Here we go again!
As I said not an earth shattering tale more of an exercise to see if I could use all the previously mentioned words. Hope it gave you a giggle, or at least a smile.
Thanks for reading it
Nicky x
deep Secrets
Deep Secrets
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
Thursday, 21 July 2011
Nothing Lasts Forever
It is so boring here, same old faces day in day out. I often fantasise about someone new to break up the monotony of daily life. Lulu always comes sniffing around me, but she's not really interested, she's just a tease.
I try to ignore her when I can but sometimes my pent up urges take control of my...let's say brain.
Wait, Bill is coming with a stranger in tow but I can't quite see them, so I sit down with an audible sigh. I hear the click, click, click of her shoes on the tiles and I look up to see them heading straight for me. I look at my hair, what a mess, I must look a sight. Oh and my breath, too late bill is introducing me.
"Lucy this is Ben."
"Hi Ben." she coo's.
Before I know it, I'm embraced in a hug. As she pulls back we catch each others eyes, just for a few seconds. I can feel a chemistry between us. Can she feel it too? God I hope so. The scent of her perfume tickles my nose and reminds me off a fresh spring meadow. There's a yearning in me for fresh air, outdoors, room to stretch and run. When I waken from this reverie she is leaving deep in conversation with Bill. What was I thinking she would never look twice at me.
You will never believe it but Bill arranged has arranged for Lucy and I to go out together, he thinks we will be a perfect match. I still can't believe my luck. Lucy wants to walk down to the local the park and I don't protest, it's a nice evening. We find a frisbee and Lucy suggests we try it. Seems childish but I give a try. I had forgotten how much fun it is. Lucy seems happy, she's smiling, chatting and her cheeks are flushed from all the exertion. We lie down on the grass and she throws her arm over me.
I could stay like this forever.
I can smell her sweet breath, shampoo and feel the warmth of her body beside mine. She kisses me gently and we lie there, content in each others company.
I hate saying goodbye, watching her go. I feel like a piece of me is being ripped away with her.
We go out a few more times and before I realise what's happened I have moved in with her. Not that I'm complaining, in fact I'm in a permanent state of euphoria. Maybe I am getting ahead of myself but this was all her idea. She is everything I have ever dreamed of. Life is perfect.
We are inseparable for the next few months. We go everywhere together, do everything together, except work obviously. I feel so jealous when she goes to work, I don't want to share her. I wish we could just stay on the sofa cuddled up forever.
Lucy has her friends over tonight so I'm ousted out to the kitchen. I over hear a conversation their having.
"You need to get out more, it's not healthy for you to be with just Ben all the time, you need to get out and socialise again. Don't you think it was all a bit quick? Did you consider how big a commitment you were making? You can't do anything without considering him first."
Lucy does not refute these claims but stays silent. I feel sick to my stomach, panic is crushing my chest. What if she does not want me anymore, I cannot live without her. She is my whole world.
Over the next few weeks Lucy distances herself from me. I'm not paranoid, our walks are few and far between, she is on the sofa I'm on the armchair, you know those tell tale signs. How did it come to this, what did I do? All I have ever done is smoother her with love and affection, was that wrong?
I try to take a step back and give her some space. I do not rush to greet her at the door but wait until she comes looking for me. I spend more and more time isolating myself in the kitchen while she is cosy on the sofa. Lucy does not appear to miss me, she never invites me in to snuggle up on the sofa. She barely says two words to me unless it's to tell me to get out of the way or to stop bothering her. I do not know how much longer we can live like this. Its's breaking my heart.
Another month goes by and nothing changes we just grow further apart. Then late one evening I hear the key in the door and two pair of feet walking in. I nudge the door open just enough to see Lucy locked in an embrace of a man I have never seen. He is stroking her hair and she is leaning in to kiss him, I can't watch. If I could cry, the tears would be streaming down my face. I hang my head in despair and and turn back into the kitchen. Realisation hits me Lucy no longer wants or needs me. I served a purpose for a while but that void obviously doesn't need filled anymore or at least not by me. I have out stayed my welcome here so I head towards the only thing that's truly mine. I step into my basket and curl up with my bone. Who ever said dogs have an easy life?
I try to ignore her when I can but sometimes my pent up urges take control of my...let's say brain.
Wait, Bill is coming with a stranger in tow but I can't quite see them, so I sit down with an audible sigh. I hear the click, click, click of her shoes on the tiles and I look up to see them heading straight for me. I look at my hair, what a mess, I must look a sight. Oh and my breath, too late bill is introducing me.
"Lucy this is Ben."
"Hi Ben." she coo's.
Before I know it, I'm embraced in a hug. As she pulls back we catch each others eyes, just for a few seconds. I can feel a chemistry between us. Can she feel it too? God I hope so. The scent of her perfume tickles my nose and reminds me off a fresh spring meadow. There's a yearning in me for fresh air, outdoors, room to stretch and run. When I waken from this reverie she is leaving deep in conversation with Bill. What was I thinking she would never look twice at me.
You will never believe it but Bill arranged has arranged for Lucy and I to go out together, he thinks we will be a perfect match. I still can't believe my luck. Lucy wants to walk down to the local the park and I don't protest, it's a nice evening. We find a frisbee and Lucy suggests we try it. Seems childish but I give a try. I had forgotten how much fun it is. Lucy seems happy, she's smiling, chatting and her cheeks are flushed from all the exertion. We lie down on the grass and she throws her arm over me.
I could stay like this forever.
I can smell her sweet breath, shampoo and feel the warmth of her body beside mine. She kisses me gently and we lie there, content in each others company.
I hate saying goodbye, watching her go. I feel like a piece of me is being ripped away with her.
We go out a few more times and before I realise what's happened I have moved in with her. Not that I'm complaining, in fact I'm in a permanent state of euphoria. Maybe I am getting ahead of myself but this was all her idea. She is everything I have ever dreamed of. Life is perfect.
We are inseparable for the next few months. We go everywhere together, do everything together, except work obviously. I feel so jealous when she goes to work, I don't want to share her. I wish we could just stay on the sofa cuddled up forever.
Lucy has her friends over tonight so I'm ousted out to the kitchen. I over hear a conversation their having.
"You need to get out more, it's not healthy for you to be with just Ben all the time, you need to get out and socialise again. Don't you think it was all a bit quick? Did you consider how big a commitment you were making? You can't do anything without considering him first."
Lucy does not refute these claims but stays silent. I feel sick to my stomach, panic is crushing my chest. What if she does not want me anymore, I cannot live without her. She is my whole world.
Over the next few weeks Lucy distances herself from me. I'm not paranoid, our walks are few and far between, she is on the sofa I'm on the armchair, you know those tell tale signs. How did it come to this, what did I do? All I have ever done is smoother her with love and affection, was that wrong?
I try to take a step back and give her some space. I do not rush to greet her at the door but wait until she comes looking for me. I spend more and more time isolating myself in the kitchen while she is cosy on the sofa. Lucy does not appear to miss me, she never invites me in to snuggle up on the sofa. She barely says two words to me unless it's to tell me to get out of the way or to stop bothering her. I do not know how much longer we can live like this. Its's breaking my heart.
Another month goes by and nothing changes we just grow further apart. Then late one evening I hear the key in the door and two pair of feet walking in. I nudge the door open just enough to see Lucy locked in an embrace of a man I have never seen. He is stroking her hair and she is leaning in to kiss him, I can't watch. If I could cry, the tears would be streaming down my face. I hang my head in despair and and turn back into the kitchen. Realisation hits me Lucy no longer wants or needs me. I served a purpose for a while but that void obviously doesn't need filled anymore or at least not by me. I have out stayed my welcome here so I head towards the only thing that's truly mine. I step into my basket and curl up with my bone. Who ever said dogs have an easy life?
Friday, 15 July 2011
yearning for Freedom
Yearning for Freedom
I can hear them whispering behind me as I stand alone at the reception desk. "There's miss Life of Riley" one spits. "Do you know she actually used to be a nurse and her who thinks she's too grand to play nursemaid to others". "Her husbands always working, while she sits at home with the feet up". "Don't know how they afford it and they have two cars don't u know, likely so she can swan around at her leisure".
"If he had any sense he'd up and leave taking those children with him". "Aye, she's always shipping them out from what I can tell".
I hear these words and they cut like a knife. I won't cry, won't give them them the bloody satisfaction. They know rightly I can hear them. They don't know me or what my life is like, they don't have the first clue. Who are they to judge me?
Yes, I stay at home, a prisoner in my box, as most days I'm too ill to get out of bed. If that's leisure there welcome to it. I yearn to be back at work, to have a reason to get out of bed in the first place. I used to be such a social person but over the past few years I have isolated myself more and more. What would I say for conversation, I do nothing, I see no one, my brain feels like mush. I'm a clever woman but the medication has taken it's toll. Nowadays it is a struggle just to bring words to mind or focus on a conversation. Not exactly inspiring motivation to go out and socialise. So I crawl deeper into my box, into the dark shadows, where I feel safe and I can keep everyone out.
This is not where I want to be, it is not a conscious decision, my disease dictates my life choices not my mind. Those kids she thinks I ship out are being cared for elsewhere because I am unable to do it myself. This makes me feel worthless to hear out loud the words that i have already let poison my mind. It's a slap in the face reminder of my non existence. That second car is about to be scrapped because we can't afford to keep fixing it. What little independence I have will be leaving with it, what then? My last life line cut.
As for my husband I often ask him the same question. "Why don't you leave and take the children with you, this is no life for us all? "Why should we all be punished because me"? I ask myself how will I survive this, how am I surviving this? This is not living, it's existing and I'm only here because leaving would hurt the very people who love the me the most.
I dream about escape all the time. A release from the physical and mental anguish. How amazing it would be to feel nothing, to just blink and be gone, to just become part of the ether. Once I am gone I think they would all realise how much easier life would be. They would miss me for a while, well the idea of me anyway. What they do not see is that the real me left a long time ago, leaving a swirling mess of pain and despair.
Now ask yourself, who would really miss that.
I can hear them whispering behind me as I stand alone at the reception desk. "There's miss Life of Riley" one spits. "Do you know she actually used to be a nurse and her who thinks she's too grand to play nursemaid to others". "Her husbands always working, while she sits at home with the feet up". "Don't know how they afford it and they have two cars don't u know, likely so she can swan around at her leisure".
"If he had any sense he'd up and leave taking those children with him". "Aye, she's always shipping them out from what I can tell".
I hear these words and they cut like a knife. I won't cry, won't give them them the bloody satisfaction. They know rightly I can hear them. They don't know me or what my life is like, they don't have the first clue. Who are they to judge me?
Yes, I stay at home, a prisoner in my box, as most days I'm too ill to get out of bed. If that's leisure there welcome to it. I yearn to be back at work, to have a reason to get out of bed in the first place. I used to be such a social person but over the past few years I have isolated myself more and more. What would I say for conversation, I do nothing, I see no one, my brain feels like mush. I'm a clever woman but the medication has taken it's toll. Nowadays it is a struggle just to bring words to mind or focus on a conversation. Not exactly inspiring motivation to go out and socialise. So I crawl deeper into my box, into the dark shadows, where I feel safe and I can keep everyone out.
This is not where I want to be, it is not a conscious decision, my disease dictates my life choices not my mind. Those kids she thinks I ship out are being cared for elsewhere because I am unable to do it myself. This makes me feel worthless to hear out loud the words that i have already let poison my mind. It's a slap in the face reminder of my non existence. That second car is about to be scrapped because we can't afford to keep fixing it. What little independence I have will be leaving with it, what then? My last life line cut.
As for my husband I often ask him the same question. "Why don't you leave and take the children with you, this is no life for us all? "Why should we all be punished because me"? I ask myself how will I survive this, how am I surviving this? This is not living, it's existing and I'm only here because leaving would hurt the very people who love the me the most.
I dream about escape all the time. A release from the physical and mental anguish. How amazing it would be to feel nothing, to just blink and be gone, to just become part of the ether. Once I am gone I think they would all realise how much easier life would be. They would miss me for a while, well the idea of me anyway. What they do not see is that the real me left a long time ago, leaving a swirling mess of pain and despair.
Now ask yourself, who would really miss that.
A quick hello
Well this is the first post on my blog, nothing very exciting except the fact that I have eventually got around to doing it. However that is more exciting for me than it is for you, so sorry about that.
I have written my first short blog just needs a few tweaks before I post it for you all to read. I am very excited to see what response I get from it but hopefully I can intice a few long in the tooth bloggers to support me in my first shaky steps into literary criticism.
I have written my first short blog just needs a few tweaks before I post it for you all to read. I am very excited to see what response I get from it but hopefully I can intice a few long in the tooth bloggers to support me in my first shaky steps into literary criticism.
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